Two for the price of one.

I needed to write again. Just because so much has been happening so fast, and life just calmed down enough for things to settle. 'Course, settling means my stomach's in fifty fucking knots, and my chest is tight, like I've gone stupid and broke a rib, and not done anything about it.

I'm scared. Like, really fucking scared, if I stop and give myself a moment to think about it. Everything seems bigger then me right now; feels like I'm caught up in a current too fast and hard to fight.

But some things- some things aren't so confusing anymore.

Like Damon, for instance.

I still- I want, so, so badly to belive him. He seems- they all seem- so.....so oddly gentle. I don't know if that's the right word, here. And frightened, in a way. And sincere. And some vauge, distant part of me wants....it's horrible, but some part of me enjoys the thought. On, come on, what female wouldn't? It's exciting and romantic, isn't it, the entire concept? Of a husband and wife standing side by side for a goal, the tragically sad seperation, the man trapped with memory and the woman lost without one, the thought of being the queen in this game of chess rather then a pawn.

Something you'd find in a story. I like the thought of it being true. I want Damen to be crying over me, because then it is true.

But there is a differance between heart and head. And while that is all what my heart thinks, my head won't shut up, either. And I know which is better to listen to.

My head tells me isn't it a little odd that you're not allowed to know or remember anything? My head tells me that isn't it a little odd that Damn visits an empty (?) gravesite on the same day at the same time, and cries over someone he knows is alive and well? My head tells me that if it were so important that I know nothing, I would still be in the dark. My head tells me that no one good could associate with someone like The Man In Black.

I yes, I did question weather or not my gravesite held anything. It's a bit odd of him to go there like that. I'm planning on a bit of nosing around there.

Our werehunter's words are still ringing in my head, his question about why anyone who supposedly loved me would let me be in the situation I'm in. It's a good question.

Talron.....is a good man. One of the best I think I've ever met. Strong and dependable, brave, powerful, kind, feirce, loyal.

I don't know Damon. I do know this man. I will not loose him to what may or may not be someone I once cared for in the past.

I will not loose him to my own fucking idiocy.

Talron is mine, now. Has been mine, I think, before I ever openly claimed it. And I do not share.

Ivy.....vampire you may be, but you just remember that. I do not share my toys. And if I so much as think you're going to hurt him or sink your talons into him- if I so much as think I've mislayed my trust, I don't care what you are or how old. I don't care how powerful you are or who you have protecting you. It may take the rest of my life. I may die trying. But if my Talron is hurt-

I will destroy you.

Degressing.

The were.....must be destoryed. Every last one in the citadel, they need to die. Now. Soon. Before lycanthropy changes anymore and it's impossible. It's a last minute, desperate resort, and I won't even inquire into it if I don't think we've utterly hit a dead end, but- if we can't get help from the werehunter, why not go from the other end of the bridge?

Can't be turned were if you already are. It's mearly an issues of how far I trust King. How far I trust Ivy. And right now, I'm not sure that's too far. I don't mistrust them, exactly....but do I trust them enough to make myself that vulnerable? Trust them enough to let King turn me?

And then there's the matter of Simon, who I'm faintly concerned for. It's only been a few days, but it feels like longer- and I don't like not knowing what's going on. I don't like not having control of the situation. And you know, we've been convinentaly forgetting what pulled my little rag tag band of- um, allies?- together in the first place, that is right smack bang in the place we've sent Simon devling. Okay, maybe that's not exactly true, but it's not untrue, either.

I'm talking, of course, about the taint. You know, that little thing we've been so fucking able to forget in the flow of everything else? Yeah, you don't just forget something that can turn you into a walking nightmare if you fucking piss it off. Or, you know, just happen to be unlucky enough to be standing there, minding your own business.

We need to find out more about it, is my point. Not that I especally want to, nor have any real reason to.

I mean, why do I care about some disease killing off people I don't know? Except for that it might not always be people I don't know. And won't that be a bitch, if I say 'fuck all of you, deal with it your own stupid selves', and then poof, someone I really kinda like ends up caught by it. I mean, if it happens to me, it's as simple as making Ann- or rather, letting Ann- kill me, no problem, what the fuck ever. I like living, but I'm not stupid.

But it's more complecated if it's someone else.

And then, of course, there's the little group that attacked Ann just a few nights ago. That's mostly what we're going into the citadel for, Ann and I, to see if we can find out who these people are and what they want. Plus, I kind of want to see what else we can find out via the theif's guild, if anything. Seems like these are people it might be good to get information from, now that I know what information I actually want.

We're still in way over our heads, but you know? These are the things we can handle; the things we can deal with, right now. Baby steps, and whatever else happens, happens, right? But I know I'm done with playing right into people's hands, and I won't do it anymore. I will find out what I want to find out, and no one will stop me. I will get what I want, and no one will stop me.

As for the ultimate evil, the threat to the world, the set of events destined to be set off, the events we set in motion that could destory everything?

Well, we'll just have to burn that bridge when we come to it, as the saying goes, right? Handle what we can now, and maybe- just maybe- we can actually stay above water in this current, instead of drowning.