Things were never supposed to be so complecated.

Do you have any idea what it's like, not knowing what in your life is real? Wondering if everything you do or say in based in fact or lies?

I'm scared. I don't know if I'm more frightened to find out that I'm just a pawn in the game, that everything I've been told is just to manipulate me....or if I'm more frightened of finding out that it's true, and having to make a choice. Between who Semei is now and who she was then.

I don't feel like a bad person. I'm callouse, at times, impaitent and ornery and snappish, but not bad. I'd like to think whatever I was doing to land me in this situation, it wasn't something I'd be ashamed of.

Of course, I have very little shame.

I told Talron today. Everything. He knows I'm 'married', knows about the people I'm associated with, everything. Apperantly, he knew something odd was up before, thanks mainly to reports to the citadel from five people in the keep very concerned with my wellfare.

Or at least, they seem to be.

I'm getting tired of that phrase, 'they seem to be'. I'm getting tired of second guessing every action and word.

Talron is keeping half on eye on those five people for me, or at least the reports sent.

On another note entirely, before I loose my sanity altogether, our new friend seems to be making himself quite at home. He's gambling and drinking already, but so far as I can tell, harmed no one, and doesn't seem of a mind too. He's bored, and I can't blame him; but he apperantly has plans to liven the place up some, and I'm all for giving him roughly a free rein with it.

He needs something to do besides run around as our little spy. Ann's forgetting, I think, that for all he may not be the best person, he's still a person. You can't expect someone to swim while shoving them back under the water.

Sometimes I forget that with him myself.

But as it stands, he's happy to be in our employ, for now, and perhaps eventually will become someone I can call friend or, at the least, not an enemy. We questioned him about the men who hired him to kill us and who and what he knew about them; the answer was very little. He didn't see faces or get any information.....it was an exchange of gold for a life. Two, in this case; though he did give us what information he could. With some talk, we managed to convince him to act as a spy for us- we'd pay him, of course- to find out more information about these men. As well as some others, the ones Ann and I know from a menagerie that have the same scarab design Simon saw on these men.

Our new emassary arrived today, as well. He seems flighty and chaotic, a walking mess and a talking mess, on top of it- five hundered miles an hour, I swear- but a decent enough man. Or at least, what I've seen of him. he explained that a there were plans to put a road straight bang through our keep's property. Now, this is a decently good idea. I got reservations about it, of course, but the pros seem to outweigh the cons.

Aside from the little fact that we've got a dyrad hanging out in our woods. And she would be highly unhappy if any kind of work started without her permission.

Apperantly, Talron has something he wants us to be at the keep for the first week of next month; two weeks from now, I belive. A surprise, he says. I have an insatiable sense of curiousity, and the only thing keeping me from moping about right now like a fucking broken down horse is wondering what it is.

It doesn't help my mood that Ann scolded me today, after I spoke with him. Lectured me, in fact. I'm only not angry because she meant well. She's concerned for me, and that's all well and good, but I wish she wouldn't be. I don't want....I don't want to have to choose. She became a freind before I knew what was happening, and I hate to think of loosing or disappointing her.

Beyond that, she doesn't understand. How painful this is, how confusing. She speaks as though everything beyond the moment is not important. I understand and respect that mindset, but it's not one I can adhere to.

She brought up that everything could be an act, could be fake in my past with these people. No shit. You think I've not considered that? You think that doesn't terrify me? That I could have just lost one of the few men I respect and care for to a false husband? That there is truely no one that gives a flying fuck about me and it's all just one big fucking set up?

Fucking hell, of course I have. It's all I can fucking think about, so don't fucking lecture me. Don't you fucking dare. You don't even know.

It's only lucky I respect her more then most- I consider her a friend, want to or not. Otherwise things would get ugly.

So. Here are things, as they are.

We have a would-be murderer in our keep, one Ann wishes to use and I wish to befriend, to a degree. Under our employ, on our side- for the moment. For fuck's sake, we rescued our assasin. How fucking twisted is this? I'm pretty impressed, for one. And on the way back to our Keep, we got caught by orcs and bullied our way right the fuck out. I think he's dully respectful of us.

I'm being babysat by people who may or may not be friends, but who seem to have my best intrest at heart. I have a husband who may or may not give a fuck about me. I tell you right now, this dumb son of a bitch better be the real deal. Because if I did what I did for no reason-

We have a 'surprise' awaiting us.

Our airship- which Simon wants a ride on, just for the info-seems to be in fine shape. I don't know what Ann's hunting with this thing, or what we're meant to do with it, but it has something to do with her missing friend. This person is in the west, over the mountains, and eventually I will probably be dragged there on a rescue mission.

We have a new, tolerable emassary.


And we must discuss a course of action to take next. We have a spy in Simon, going back into the citadel, ans so I suspect we don't make a move until things with him are settled.

And now I need food and rest.

I'm tired. It's been a long fucking week.